A newspaper item read thus: A business partner of the iconic store in south Mumbai killed himself on Tuesday allegedly over a property dispute with his brother.
The Merriam Webster Dictionary defines
brother as a boy or man
who has one or both of the same parents as you. A brother is one of the closest
relatives a person can have and a person he has grown up with since birth.
Best friends refer each other as brothers.
It is really a tragedy where one brother holds the other accountable for the extreme action he has taken in his suicide note. One has lost his life, but several lives are impacted, there is a grieving widow, a young girl does not have a father, perhaps a confused mother and the surviving brother and his family the cynosure of legal and police investigations. It would take a long time to get healing in this case, perhaps even a lifetime may not be enough.
The newspapers reported that this was a culmination of years of disputes and irritations on some property matters. Perhaps no member of the family guessed what was happening in the mind of the late brother. Suicides have that element of suspense. Our own self-centredness prevents us from perceiving how fragile the emotions of a loved one are.
Were all those fights really worth it after all? A verse in
the book of Proverbs reads... A brother wronged is more
unyielding than a fortified city; disputes are like the barred gates of a
citadel. Proverbs 18:19. In these kind of disputes between
family members, one does not know who is wronged more, but all
parties feel equally wronged and their positions become very adamant.
A family is expected to be a place where there is love and
affection. Disputes only lead to rigid stances and these are manifest at
work, school, play and leisure.
In my view the essentials are quite simple for a happy family
life... they are Values, Respect and Dialogue. The values we
cherish are the foundation of our lives. Having
shared values as a family makes for a very strong family.
Lack of respect is easily perceived,
and respect to each other in a family does help in understanding our
differences and find ways to blend. Fathers are responsible to ensure that
there is dialogue between members.
Emmy, thanks for sharing your feelings thru this blog post. I quickly reflected on it and here are my personal views. It all starts with not sharing the same value system. One may value relationships and another may value money. In such situations, one may expect the person who value relationships to forgo money and retain relationship. Is it fair? In such situations, first we lose respect towards each other and on top of it egos flare up...finally ending up in abandoned dialogue. That is where mediators come in to the picture to dissuade the situation. If one is adamant, they don't even respect mediation. It finally leads to break up. However, taking one life due to frrustration is certainly not the solution.
ReplyDeleteYes Teacher well articulated.. It is only when hope dies do people take their lives
DeleteEmmy, there is great advice on conflict resolution in the Bible. (In 1994, Russi Mody, called it the “the best book on personnel management” as he attributed his success in man management to following the Golden Rule in the Bible). In my limited experience, two principles make a huge difference to our approach as the aggrieved party. This would also offer some protection against sudden tragic consequences in a family conflict.
ReplyDelete(1) CHECK HEART ATTITUDES: In a conflict, let’s first identify the inner causes of “why” is this happening and resolve my own ‘issues’ before judging my brother and crying for justice. When someone asked Jesus Christ to ask his brother to share the inheritance with him, Jesus surprisingly invited the ‘aggrieved’ party to check his greed, whilst refusing to arbitrate! Gospel of Luke Chapter 12. Verses 13-15: “Someone in the crowd said to him, “Teacher, tell my brother to divide the inheritance with me.” Jesus replied, “Man, who appointed me a judge or an arbiter between you?” Then he said to them, “Watch out! Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; life does not consist in an abundance of possessions.” When in a conflict, can I first check if my motives are contributing to this conflict. Am I motivated by greed, jealousy, anger, pride or a true desire for justice (without which there will be no real reconciliation) and healing of the relationship?
(2) FOLLOW AN ESCALATION MATRIX: Jesus Christ gave us a simple but pragmatic escalation matrix to provide step-level opportunities for dialogue and reconciliation before a parting of ways. In Mathew’s Gospel 18:15-18: first, privately tell your brother his sin (being aware of my own vulnerabilities and imperfection) for his own good, secondly, dialogue taking one or two witnesses, thirdly, tell it to the church/use the group’s resources to resolve the issue, and finally, when all else fails, treat him as an “outsider” and have no special expectations of him/her, though showing respect and courtesy for the person (not his/her actions). Wouldn’t most/all family conflicts turn out very differently if we followed these two principles? There are more aspects of course, but I thought of these two when I read your posting. Thank you for provoking us to think about a matter that afflicts many of our families.
Emmy, agree with your points on Values, respect & dialogue.
ReplyDeleteOne of the values to imbibe for these dialogues (in addition to respect) is 'Think win-win'. Unfortunately, more often than not, the approach / mindset (of both parties) is of a 'Win-lose' nature.